Friday, December 7, 2007

Publitron's list of The 9 authors you will work with at one time or another.

We all have worked with great authors and terrible authors at one time or another. Well, after working with a particularity terrible author, I realized that there are 9 general archetypes or categories in which they fall. And now, for your general amusement I present to you my list...

1) The Space Case: Although well-intended they forget about interviews (even after being reminded the night before) and if they do remember they have an event, they’ll show up late. The net result causing mild ulcers every time you get a phone call from a reporter or bookseller who doesn't know how to get a hold of him/her. Solution- Never let them out of your site.

2) The Overeager: Not to be confused with the Gem (see below). While thankful and willing, wants to do too much and constantly floods your inbox with unfeasible ideas. “Hey, how about we send Oprah my signed tiger woods golf club along with a copy of the book?” ummmm, dude, your book is about child rearing and Oprah is friends with Tiger. I’m sure she can get his club any time she wants. Solution- Ignore the majority of their emails and never reply immediately to anything they send you.

3) The Gem: Thankful for any and everything you get them, they are an eager beaver willing to do anything and everything you ask them. At times, you feel pity for getting them on WOR’s Joey Reynolds show and making them stay up till 3am, but hey, its a national booking. Solution- Thank God.

4) The Two Face: Will deal with you politely, then complain to their agent and get their agent to do the dirty work for them. Oh sure, you’re all smiles now, but that venom dripping from your agent’s surgically reinforced lips tells me a different tale. Solution- Document everything and share this ammo with the editor and your boss so you have peeps in your corner fighting for you. Take author off your Christmas card list.

5) The Ego: A prima donna that comes in 2 levels, unjustified and justified. The Unjustified Ego is the first time author who thinks they should be the center of your attention and laments their lack of coverage loudly. The Justified Ego is the New York Times bestselling author who's sales make up your paycheck and who can actually get you fired if you screw up. Solution: Bitch about the Unjustified Ego to their editor and they’ll whip em into shape. As for the Justified Ego, do your damndest to do anything and everything you can for them.

6) The Recluse: Impossible to get to do any media whatsoever and you can only communicate with them through their agent. Solution- None.

7) The Waste: Sadly, The Waste has no presence whatsoever, looks ugly, and can't hold a conversation no matter how brilliant they sound in print so you can't get them any publicity outside of an email Q&A. Solution- None.

8) The Neurotic: Constantly worries about their performance, compares themselves to other authors and are self deprecating to a fault and detriment of their publication. Bonus points if #8 is also an Unjustified Ego. Solution- Prozac, counseling.

9) The Amazon Author Crack Addict: All of the above obsessively check their ranking.


snackywombat said...

ha! awesome

La Gringa said...

So fucking true.

Anonymous said...

Hilarous! In the office now matching authors to types....


Anonymous said...

Spot on. # 8 has to be the most annoying. I used to dream about the day when I could say "nobody believes your shit. Stop grubbing for compliments. Especially since you new book sucks. Stop writing a book a year and see if that helps." Then I became senior enough and didn't have to work with this jackass any longer. But my heart goes out to those who do. Yes, he's still up to his same tired old tricks. Book after book.

A New Type of Author said...

If you were my publicist, I'd demand the right to spell-check, copy-edit, and proofread anything you sent out, just based on this post alone. It's embarrassing (if you're an author) when your publicist can't spell!